Today's tense hostage situation thankfully resulted in only one death.

Idealic life.

That's the story of my life.

Maybe we should call the newsboy's parents down to plead pathetically for their kid's life.

I am only too anxious to begin my life anew as a productive member of society.

We thought you and the missus might come down and plead with her for your boy's life.

Remember what our 14th president, Ben Franklin, said?

Early to bed, early to rise.

Oh, something, something, something, something that rhymes with the kite.

Love, Ben Franklin.

Get out!

You kidder.

No, it's time for me to perform that most wondrous of morning tasks, the opening of the morning mail.

Look, kid, I got sort of faced last night.

So have a little compassion, or I'll send your lips down your throat in a clump.

You got faced.

Come on.

oh damn no this is all wrong oh my hat of the month selection i specifically requested the alternate this month the charming yet provincial peruvian gaucho hat this is the eighth derby i've gotten in a row well try as you might they just won't let you quit

Oh, hey, here's something from the state penitentiary.

My old friend, Irma Jane Cooley.