'Sophie got pregnant and he ended up... getting married? Got to think through these plans.

I've got a plan. Trek the Andes. I've got a mate and he did it.

Do you have a problem with that?

Does he come at you with a stick?

If you can't have sex with a monkey, make friends with the organ grinder.

'what with falling towards the ground with only a massive rubber band between me and...

Right. You didn't try to have sex with a monkey?

'I'm strapped on. If I get a bonk on, I'll say it's a buckle.

There must be a better way to get to Sophie. What about a poem?

Brilliant. Get a cup, we'll catch the blood, and I'll write her a poem.

It's going a bit terribly. But it's important I make friends with him.

with a woman... and the lips. I can't say anything else. I won't.

I'm off to five-a-side with Jeff. Can I take a couple of Garfields as shinpa... Jesus Christ!

'I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.'

He's going to move in with me for a couple of months, see if it helps.

'Oh, Jesus. This is a minefield. Serve him right if I prick them all with pins and then...