God, no. He broke a plate once but...

'OK, there's a new guy in town. Probably just a friend.

- Oh, are they in a submarine? - Yes, they're in a submarine.

Once they get the stuff out we can have a tournament.

Did Jeff fart in a pint?

'I'd be in the mainstream instead of being a freak in our weird puddle.'

'I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and learn his ways.

Old-fashioned? What's next? Put you in a chastity belt

and give a nasty, unglamorous illness a kick in the pants at the same time.

Although, if it was a choice between that or a drive in a Ferrari Testarossa - phew, too close to call.

A mate just called. He has a poker school. If you're interested in losing a bit of money, we could go.

Fourth pressing, that's a party in your mouth!

'Three days to organise, a lifetime to look back on from our cottage in Dorset.'

'I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.'

'Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple,

He's going to move in with me for a couple of months, see if it helps.

Nancy is in the States and Super Hans is on the rig. I need a friend.

What are we gonna do? Go make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea?

'I've done self-harm. Compared to that, this is a walk in the park. Do it for Sophie.'

'I'm on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazer Bowl toilets.